Welp, here I am again, residing in good ol’ Pico/Robertson. Or SoRo as nobody likes to call it. Back to doing normal things, you know…Torah study, pushing strollers, baking Challah, helping old ladies, and getting advice from my dating coach. 

Luckily I’m still riding my spiritual high that I got in Israel (re: last post). If I weren’t I’d probably be going crazy due to my dramatic (but gradual!) lifestyle change. If I weren’t 100% into this Jewy stuff for the right reasons it would probably completely freak me out. “Women wear wigs?!” “You haven’t even held hands with the guy you date?!” “You can hardly eat any Mexican food because it has meat and cheese together? OMGWTFNOOOO!” Haha, I love it.

Basically I’m VERY happy to be back and I’m feeling great about where I am and who I’m surrounded by. Not to say that all of those happy people in bars aren’t super cool…but they can probably survive without gracious presence. 

40 days into my trip and this is the first time Tumblr hasn’t been blocked! I’m going to keep this one short. My time in Israel has been quite interresting. I don’t know what it is about the Holy Land, but it sure has a way of magnifying my horrible feelings. I guess being stripped away from all of my distractions can cause one to have to reflect on things that are real. 

So for 40 days I’ve been praying and begging for some kind of spark of inspiration and excitement and it wasn’t until today that I finally recieved it. I had a life changing, mind blowing, incredibly spiritual experience today. Those four hours made this whole trip worth while and I can come home feeling absolutely fulfilled. On a cool little side note, the Jews recieved the Torah after waiting 40 days…just sayin’…

6 days until I leave for two months. 6 days to pack up my things and store them, to say goodbye to family and friends, to try and wrap my brain around what’s happening. I’ve never had a hard time leaving, in fact, it’s one of my favorite things to do. This is one of those rare occasions where I’m really freakin’ scared. 

I guess I haven’t really been preparing myself in the best way. By that I mean going to bars, shows, and little out of town getaways as often as possible. Maybe a better approach would have been to ween myself into a more Jewish setting, preventing the feeling of “missing out” and being completely out of my element. But now I’m extremely broke, about to go to Israel for 8 weeks, and then hopefully come back to a life where I’ll be able to pay rent, drive my car, have a cell phone, etc. This is why I’m so freaked out. 

It also doesn’t help that I’m so afraid of a possible change of self. I don’t want to do anything radical or extreme. I don’t want to damage my relationships with people here because of what I learn or do there. Of course it would come across as brain washing if I left one way and came back another. I have a huge fear that I may try to stray from it all when I’m there. 

I hate stress. My vision is impaired by it, and I’m only wanting to eat tons of chocolate because of it.

But nothing good comes easily. 

I learned something tonight that made SO much sense! The quote was “Go to the zoo and become closer to G-d.” The concept is to have an overwhelming awe of creation. You get to gaze and be amazed at AWESOME creatures and indulge in their purpose here. I had a very similar experience today at the MOCA. Surrounding myself with other people’s creativity was so inspiring and felt super amazing. It’s said that this kind of indulgence will make you desire to have a desire to be closer. 

I love when my classes tie into my daily experiences, it really makes it hard for me to challenge what’s being said. So far so good :)

how could this NOT make you want to be closer?! ;)

So this past Friday was my birthday and I celebrated in probably the best way humanly (and Jewishly) possible. I invited my family and close friends to a big ol’ amazing, fantastic, super duper fun Shabbos dinner at Rabbi Quinn’s house. This meant so much to me because my parents (non-Jew Dad, and non-religious Mom) got to experience the magic that I’m so fortunate to be a part of every single week. This case was a little extra special because I was surrounded by such an abundance of love. There were never ending laughs, hugs, and even cries of happiness. I’ve had some fun birthdays, but never such a spiritually enriched one. I really hope that everyone gets to enjoy such a deep experience on Shabbos like we did.

Just when I started feeling like my Judaism was creating a possible burden in my family, this night came and swept me back off my feet. There is no dark without light, there is no black without white, there is no joy without pain. Sometimes we need to be knocked down in order to feel the greatness of being brought back up. 

Thank you to everybody who came and showed me you cared, you’ve helped build me, and that means more than you’ll ever know.

Most people who didn’t grow up religious get some sort of flack from their families about their new lifestyles. This isn’t so hard to understand because yes, you are going in a different direction then how you were raised. I knew that this issue would probably come up for me, but I didn’t realize how painful it can be. Today I felt like I was slightly attacked by one of my family members, comparing what I’m doing to a cult, and that hopefully someday the wool will be pulled from my eyes. The feeling of being judged by family is compareable to a very sharp knife in the pit of your heart. I don’t want my obersevance to be offensive to people, and it’s hard for me to wrap my brain around why it is. Hopefully this incident can spark some dialogue between me and my family in a more compassionate manner.

Although this was very painful, it’s worth the feeling I get at the end of the day. I have a huge support system here in Pico/Robertson and I ruv them all!! Espcially these two goofy Rabbis..

I’d be lost without my dads.